Tuesday, August 28, 2012
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My name is Kirsten; I’m a 20-year-old wheelchair pretender/wannabe. As a young girl, I found that wheelchairs held a certain intrigue for me that I could not understand. My mom has been in a wheelchair since she was 3, when she fell off of a table in her dad’s workshop onto a board on the floor. The small of her back landed on the board, actually a 2X4 on it’s edge, and broke her back crushing the vertebrae at the L4/L5 level severing her spinal cord and of course leaving her completely paralyzed from that point down.
Mom is very happy in her wheelchair and with her lot in life, she says that she can’t even remember being able to feel or use her legs at all so she really doesn’t know any other lifestyle. She has been very fortunate that she has had few problems resulting from her paralysis such as pressure sores or the like. Her legs are of course very slim; however, she has always worked out to keep up her strength for managing her wheelchair and transferring into and out of it, along with all of the upper body strength exercising, she has also worked her legs thus they are very nice looking. She has always dressed very nicely and is a very attractive woman with a knockout figure, which I was fortunate to inherit. Mom is also very nearsighted, another feature that I also inherited from her. She has never been able to tolerate contacts and has no interest in having any type of surgery to correct her vision. My dad just dotes on her, ever complimenting her on her looks and everything that she does. Mom and dad are both physicians with their own orthopedics practice, a very prosperous one at that.
As long as I can remember, I have wanted to be just like mom. When I was very young and was first prescribed glasses, I was beside myself with excitement that I was now going to wear glasses just like mom did. I thought I was such a big girl now that I was bespectacled like her and wore my glasses all the time from the very beginning because that’s what mom did. As I have gotten older, my glasses have gotten much stronger, to the point where I can’t function without them at all. My doctor has told me that I am severely myopic, my prescription has now surpassed mom’s by quite a lot. I actually like wearing glasses and have never bothered to even try contacts, I’m not really sure that I could stand anything in them as they are very sensitive. I have three different pairs all with my current prescription, one of which is in regular plastic that makes the lenses very thick, they protrude in front and behind the frames, the second pair has myodisc lenses that I started to wear after my prescription went over –20 diopters and the last pair has high-index plastic lenses that are much thinner than the regular plastic lenses. I find that I can see the best with the myodisc lenses so I wear them quite often. I like to see the looks that I get when I wear them.
Just like any little girl, I liked to play dress-up so I was always trying to wear some of mom’s things. I would put on a pair of her heels; she has always worn very high heels because that’s what dad likes, and try to walk in them. She would laugh at me and tell me that it was no surprise that I couldn’t walk in them; after all she couldn’t either. As I grew I continued these games of wearing her stuff, soon I was trying to wear her dresses and other things pretty much like any other little girl. As I got a bit bigger, I would put on some of her things then sit in one of her spare wheelchairs, she has four of them. I began to realize that I got a special kind of feeling whenever I did this, a feeling that I really liked as it was a kind of satisfying and comfortable feeling. Since I liked the feeling so, I began to take every opportunity to use one of mom’s chairs, she and dad always thought it was kind of a cute way for me to imitate her.
As I got to middle school and high school age, I continued to have this special feeling whenever I was in one of mom’s chairs. I remember one time she asked me if I had a desire to need to use a wheelchair, I told her that I didn’t know the answer to her question but I just liked being in the chair. She said that it was OK with her if I used a chair around the house as much as I wanted to, so I began keeping a chair in my room and spent most of the time I was at home in it. On a few occasions when she and I were going to a mall located about 50 miles from home, it was much nicer than either of the malls in our town, I asked her if I could go in a wheelchair just for grins. She gave me a funny look the first time but then said that it was OK. That first time was perhaps the most exciting day of my young life to that point.
When I got old enough to drive, she even let me drive her car with the hand controls the first time we went to that mall after I had gotten my license. I was in heaven but didn’t understand why at that point. I even took a chair with me on occasions when I drove to that mall by myself in my own car, which by the way also had hand controls and handicapped plates so that mom could use it if she needed to. I justified doing this because I maintained that the only way the people at that mall had ever seen me was in a chair so I should continue to be seen that way, I don’t think mom paid much attention to what I was doing or at least never commented on it. My best friend Joanne knew about my use of mom’s chairs at home, she had also used one many times as we were growing up and had even gone to the mall with mom and I a few times. After I had my license and was driving my own car, she would sometimes come with me and I would take a chair along for her to use. She enjoyed doing it as a lark but didn’t get the special feelings that I did when she was in a chair.
When I went away to college I ask mom if I could take my favorite chair with me, a lightweight sporty model that she seldom used. At first she didn’t think too much of my idea but eventually agreed when I told her that since I was going to live in an apartment and was used to using one at home I really wanted to have one with me to use there. When I went looking for an apartment I concentrated on finding one on the first floor near the parking lot with the idea that I could use it to go out whenever I wanted to, I was fortunate to find one that suited my desires. I went by myself to look for the apartment so I decided to take the chair with me and use it during my search. The apartment I found is wheelchair accessible and right across the street from the campus so this was perfect. I decided that I would attend school as a wheelchair user since only Joanne would know the truth about me; she was sharing the apartment with me. Joanne told me that as far as she was concerned I was certifiable but that she would not tell anyone that I really didn’t need the chair.
Since the apartment was across the street from the campus, I didn’t bother to get a handicapped-parking sticker for my car so I didn’t have to provide any documentation to the college about my disability. The campus is small enough that I could get around the entire campus in my chair with no problem at all. I told my folks that they really didn’t need to help me move into the apartment because it was a furnished apartment and all I needed to bring was my clothes and my computer, which I could take in my car. Joanne was bringing her car and all of her stuff fit in it as well. We moved into the apartment the week before school started and I began my life as a full time wheelchair pretender, I had never been happier and more comfortable with myself than I now was.
I have done everything from my chair, working very hard not to cheat at all. I even use the bathtub rather than the shower and the grab bars to transfer to the toilet. I have not stood and walked since moving into the apartment except for those times that I go home to visit my folks. I have left the chair at the apartment and used one of mom’s part of the time at home, which is very normal in their eyes. I have found a gym where I workout on a regular basis, only using the equipment to workout my upper body except for a machine that exercises my legs without me doing any of the work. I just put my feet on the machine and relax my legs allowing it to move them; this keeps my legs looking very nice and toned but doesn’t do anything for muscle strength.
Joanne convinced me to talk to a therapist about my desire to use a wheelchair fulltime, she said that it was not normal and I should at least find out why I felt the need to do it. I agreed only because I wanted to know why I had these feelings, not because I wanted to get rid of them. I found a therapist nearby and made an appointment to talk with her, I paid for this myself, as I didn’t want the bill filed with my parents insurance, as they would find out about it. After several sessions with the therapist, during which I told her all about my family life and what it was like growing up in my parents home; she told me that she thought she understood why I felt I needed to be in a wheelchair. She said that she felt that because I had grown up in a house with a mother who used a wheelchair, was very happy and accepting of her life in a chair, my very strong desire to be just like my mom and having had a father that was always complimenting her that I had subconsciously become convinced that this was the way I had to be to be able to be just like her and as happy as she is. When she told me this, I realized that she was right; my desire to be just like mom because she was so happy as she was and because she had been such a great mom to me had painted the image that my happiness had to include a wheelchair. This having been revealed, my desire to permanently need a wheelchair became even stronger.
As I was wheeling around the mall near school one Saturday, I ran into a really nice guy, literally actually. I was looking in a store window as I rolled along when I ran right into him as he rounded a corner, I don’t think he was watching where he was going any more than I was. I was wearing 4” mules, like mom I always wear very high heels, I had my right leg crossed over my left. I have learned to totally relax my legs and feet during the time that I have been using the chair full time, so when I ran into him my foot swung forward and my leg hit his leg at which point the shoe fell off of my foot and went scooting across the floor. Lot’s of apologizing ensued, both of us claiming responsibility for the accident. After he recovered from the shock of it, he reached down and picked up my shoe as we began moving toward a bench for him to sit for a moment. I made no attempt to get it from him, as I was worrying about his leg where the footrest of my chair had hit him. He limped a bit on the way to the bench and sat down facing me. I asked him if his leg was OK, he reached down and rubbed his shin saying that no apparent damage had been done and that he was really OK. Then he realized he still had my shoe in his hand, he asked if he might put it back on my foot for me since he felt that it was his fault that it had been knocked off. I responded that I would really appreciate his doing that, but I could not agree that it was his fault that it had been knocked off. As he very gently put the shoe back on my dangling foot, we agreed that we would share the blame for the mishap, laughing a bit at how ridiculous it must have looked to anyone watching as we ran into each other and my shoe went winging across the floor.
At this point we introduced ourselves, I told him that my name was Kirsten Collins and he told me that he was Jeff Martin. He asked if I would like to accompany him to the food court and have a coke or something. Not having had lunch yet I agreed as long as we went Dutch because I wanted to grab some lunch. We went to the food court and got what we each wanted to eat; I got mine first, placed my tray on my lap and began looking for a table. I found one that was a little away from the others with chairs that I could move out of the way to that I could get my chair up to it. Jeff joined me a moment later and we began to eat and talk. He is really a nice guy, quite the gentleman. He is a little older than I am, has finished college and has started working as a physician’s assistant for a local doctor. He told me a bit about himself then asked about me. He didn’t ask about why I was in a wheelchair, just about where I was from and my family. I told him that both my parents were physicians but didn’t tell him that mom was also in a wheelchair. I really enjoyed talking to him and wanted to see him again, so I readily accepted his invitation to go to dinner and a movie that night.
When I got ready for our date that night, I decided that I would dress to show myself off the best that I could taking advantage of my rather nice figure and also show off my legs as much as possible. I really like the way I look; I have a slim figure, long legs, natural blond hair and blue eyes. I am also endowed with a large bust that seems to attract lots of looks. I decided to wear another pair of heels that only have a strap over my instep and hang off my relaxed foot when I cross my legs, I thought I would kid Jeff about wearing shoes that would fall off my feet so he could put them back on for me. To make the illusion of being paralyzed more real, I sometimes wear an indwelling catheter and leg bag or an adult diaper. I decided that I would wear a diaper tonight just in case I moved in the wrong way and Jeff was able to see up my rather short mini-skirt. I even put on a very pretty pair of panties over the diaper to enhance the view, but made sure that it would be obvious that I had a diaper on. When wearing the catheter or diaper, I always take advantage of the fact that I am wearing them and don’t often have to go to the restroom unless I feel I need to change my diaper. I also selected my myodisc lenses for the evening.
The date with Jeff was fantastic; he took me to a really nice restaurant that had wonderful food and exceptional service. The hostess was quick to remove a chair from the table after asking me where I would like to sit, and the waitress talked right to me about what I wanted to eat rather than the normal occurrence of waiters who seem to ignore disabled people and only talk to the able-bodied persons at the table. I really enjoyed the meal and the movie. Jeff had checked into both places to be sure that they would be accessible to me so that there would be no embarrassing events that evening.
After the movie Jeff asked if I would like to go to one of the college hangouts for a while and chat before going home, I said that I would like that since it would give us more time together. I had an idea that Jeff wanted to ask me why I was in the chair and it proved that I was correct. After we had been chatting for a while, he said that he wanted to ask me something but would understand if I didn’t want to tell him about it. I responded that he could ask anything he wanted to and that I figured I knew what he wanted to ask. He asked what had happened and I told him that I had been in a car accident when I was very young. It was before the use of seatbelts had become commonplace and I didn’t have one on and was thrown abut in the back seat and somehow my back was broken severely damaging my spinal cord. He asked if I was a complete or incomplete paraplegic, I told him that I actually had some feeling below my injury point albeit not much and that I could move my legs just a little if I tried really hard. I told him that although I was not completely incontinent I really didn’t have much control so generally wore something to prevent accidents as I could barely notice my need to use the restroom and then couldn’t hold it very long at all. He asked several other questions about my paralysis and even asked about my eyesight, saying that he had seldom seen anyone wearing myodisc lenses.
As we talked, I began to suspect that Jeff was interested in me not only for myself but perhaps partly because of my disability. Mom had told me that there were men who found disabled women to be especially attractive and that my dad was admittedly one of them. Jeff sounded a lot like dad so I finally asked him point blank if he was attracted to me because of my wheelchair, my glasses or both. A nervous look came over his face when I asked the question, he didn’t answer right away so I told him that if he was it was OK and would not upset me. Then he admitted that in fact he was attracted to both my chair and my glasses and that he was in fact a devotee. He told me that he was not only attracted to me because of the chair and glasses, that he would have been attracted to me regardless and that since he was beginning to get to know me the attraction was increasing. I told him that it was OK that he was attracted to me because of the chair and glasses; however, I needed to be sure that they were not the only reasons. He reassured me again that they were not; he commented that he thought I was a really beautiful girl and that the chair and glasses only added a certain mysteriousness to me that really got his attention.
As we spent time together over the next few weeks, Jeff admitted to me that he was not only a devotee but also a pretender. He took me to his house located on the outskirts of town and showed me his wheelchair, one similar to mine. He told me that he had been pretending for some time and that in fact he was struggling with whether or not he was truly a wannabe. He told me that at times he was convinced that he was, yet at others he questioned his desires. I told him that I sort of understood his feelings although not entirely, but that it was OK with me and that as far as I was concerned it would not affect our relationship.
We began to go out together in our chairs, using my car because it has hand controls. I had begun to spend weekends at his place, during which he would spend the entire time in his chair. Over time, Jeff used his chair less and less and he finally decided that he was not really a wannabe; that his real desire was to have a disabled wheelchair user in his life. After a couple of months of this I decided that I needed to come clean with him and tell him that I was a full time pretender/wannabe. I told him my whole story, including my mom’s disability and the thoughts that the therapist had expressed to me. I also told him that I had been in the chair for so long now that I was beginning to experience problems walking, I had noticed the last time that I was home that my legs were getting weak and that if I walked very far I needed to stop and rest as my legs would be hurting and cramping. This was not too big a problem at my parents home since I used one of my mom’s chairs most of the time; however, I had decided that the next time I went home I would take my chair with me and keep it in the trunk in case I went somewhere where I would need it. I went on to explain to him that my real desire was to be a real paraplegic with no use or feeling in my legs, I also told him that I could accept loosing control of my bodily functions if that was part of becoming a para. As we continued to talk about my feelings and need to be a para, I asked him if there was any way the he knew of for me to achieve my desires even on a temporary basis. He told me that he could allow me to experience temporary paralysis by giving me an epidural or a similar anesthetic that would block total feeling from the point of the injection down. He explained that in his medical practice he occasionally had to function as the anesthesiologist for surgery and that he was certified as an anesthetist.
Jeff was OK with doing this once so that I could experience the reality of paralysis; however, he hadn’t intended to do this nearly as much as I ended up convincing him to do it for me. The first time he paralyzed my lower body, he gave me the anesthesia as low in the spine as he could, explaining that doing it this low would simulate an L1 level para and that it was these paras that most often had some amount of bodily function control remaining. This was not to be the case for me; I was completely paralyzed from that point down, including the loss of control of my bodily functions. The loss of bodily function was not that big a deal for me, I had simulated it in the past so I just put on a diaper. I transferred to my chair; I just loved the way my legs and feet flopped about as I was doing the transfer. The transfer felt different, I suddenly realized that I had been using some of the muscles in my lower body during transfers, albeit not much. I rolled to the dresser and got a skimpy knit top to put on over my bare breasts, then I went to the closet and got a very short mini-skirt and began putting it on. This was somewhat harder than I had experienced previously, my now useless legs were not cooperating at all. I grabbed a pair of 4” mules and slid them on my unfeeling feet then crossed my left leg over the right. My foot hung limply pointing to the ground with the shoe dangling from it, this is really sexy to me. I reached down and moved my right foot to the left side of the footrest; then I gave my left leg a little push, it just swung back and fort a couple of times like a pendulum. I realized that I was very turned on and suspected that I was getting pretty wet in a certain area.
I rolled out to the living room where Jeff was sitting, he had graciously left the room to allow me to experience the first moments of being really paralyzed by myself. When he saw me roll into the room his eyes lit up as he said to me that he always saw me as a really beautiful girl, but never as beautiful as I was today. He told me that the look on my face radiated with poise and self assurance and my eyes glittered with brightness, he later remarked that I had to be really close to him for him to really see my bright eyes because they are so small behind my extremely strong lenses. Jeff got up from the couch and picked me up and sat me on the couch next to him, he started to play with my legs and feet and I was beside myself with excitement even though I couldn’t feel a thing he was doing. Next he moved his hand up toward my waist, when he moved across the point that went from non-feeling to feeling I nearly exploded. I won’t go into details about what happened next, suffice it to say that he ended up carrying me to the bedroom and we spent the remainder of the time until my feeling returned in bed.
This was the most wonderful experience and I vowed to myself that I would somehow convince Jeff to do it again.
About two weeks later I did convince him to do it again, this time I asked him to make me an L4/L5 level para as this is the level of mom’s injury and I wanted to experience the same things that she does. Once again it was a wonderfully satisfying feeling and a real turn-on for me. I knew that this was exactly the way I had to be and vowed to find a way to achieve it permanently.
Then I decided that I wanted to experience being a much higher-level para, I convinced Jeff to inject the anesthetic high enough so that I would be a T5 level para. When he had done it, I had no feeling from my breasts down. He cautioned me that I should be careful because I now had no stomach muscles to help me sit up. I transferred to my chair, when I reached down to pull my legs off of the bed and place my feet on the footrest I simply folded over and found myself with my upper body lying on my legs. This was a really strange feeling that I had not expected even with Jeff’s warning. I managed to sit myself back up straight then holding on to the side of the chair I used one arm to move my legs. This was a wonderful experience but I soon decided that I didn’t want to be paralyzed that high on a permanent basis although I knew that I would learn in time to cope with it. If to achieve permanently paralyzed it had to be at this level, then I certainly could accept it and would be supremely happy that way.
Jeff and I continued to spend time together over the next few months, our relationship was growing stronger and I realized that I had fallen in love with him. During this time Jeff was using his chair less and less, especially when we went out together. The next time that I went home to visit my parents, Jeff went with me so that they could meet.
My legs had weakened to the point that they would no longer support me; I had attempted to stand unassisted and collapsed to the floor before I was fully upright. I could not have been happier about this event and realized that I was in a manner of speaking now paralyzed for all intent and purposes; although I still had some movement and all feeling remaining. After talking it over with Jeff and Joanne I had decided that it was time to tell my parents that I was a fulltime pretender; I also made another visit to my therapist and discussed my plans with her. I was really nervous about what I was going to do so having Jeff along to support me was very helpful. We packed the car and this time I transferred into the car and pulled my chair into the back seat, we then set off for home. I had told them that I was bringing Jeff home to meet them so that they would be expecting him.
When we pulled into the driveway, mom noticed us arriving. She opened the front door and rolled out to greet us just as I was pulling my chair out of the car. She smilled at me and said that it seemed I was taking my wheelchair game a little far if I was carrying the chair around all the time. As I transferred into the chair I told her that I would explain why I was using the chair once we had gotten in the house and I had properly introduced Jeff to them. She said that was fine and turned her chair to introduce herself to Jeff who had gotten the suitcases out of the trunk and was walking around the car toward us. I got myself situated in the chair, mom noticed that I was using my hands to put my feet on the footrest and gave me a funny look but didn’t say anything about it. We went into the house where I formally introduced Jeff to mom and dad.
After we had had a few minutes to talk and for Jeff, mom and dad to get to know each other a bit mom asked me if I was ready to tell her about why I had brought the chair with me this time. She also commented that I had certainly made the transfer from the car to the chair and the use of my hands to put my feet on the footrests look very realistic. She said that if she didn’t know that I was able-bodied I probably would have fooled even her. I told her that I was ready to explain everything to them so why didn’t we go to the kitchen and we could sit around the table and talk.
We went into the kitchen and mom poured us each a cup of coffee. When we are settled at the table, I began my story. I told them about how I had found that I got a special feeling as a little girl when I was in one of mom’s wheelchairs and how it continued feel special to be in a chair as I grew up. I mentioned our trips to the mall together and my trips there with Joanne after I got my car. I explained that throughout my life, I was most comfortable and happy when I was sitting in a wheelchair. I also told them that I didn’t want to give up the ability to use a chair when I went to college; thus, I had talked mom into allowing me to take the chair I now sat in to school with me.
I went on to tell them that when I went to look for an apartment I had taken the chair with me and used it while looking for a place. I related that I had found a handicapped apartment but had not told them about it. Then came the bombshell as I told them that I had been a fulltime wheelchair user since going away to college, that the only time I had walked normally since then was the couple of times I had come home to visit them. My mom’s eyes were wide as saucers and a very worried look appeared on her face. She then said that if I had not used my legs for well over a year; that at this point she doubted that I would be able to stand up without assistance. I responed that she was absolutely correct, I told them that I had tried to stand a week ago and had collapsed on the floor with my legs unable to support me.
Mom then asked me why I had done this to myself so I tried to explain it to her. I told them about the visits to the therapist and what she had told me, then I told them that after she told me this I realized that she was right on target. I looked at mom and said to her that I had always admired her and her ability to cope with life, that I loved the way dad treated her and how happy they were together. I related that I had always wanted to be just like her, as she already knew. I said that when I first got glasses I was really excited because she also wore them, and that as my prescription had gotten stronger and similar to hers I often wore her spare pairs just like I had used her spare wheelchairs. So if I was to be just like her then I had to be dependant on a wheelchair. A little smile appeared on her face as she relaxed and told me that there was no greater compliment that I could pay her than the desire to be just like her, especially when it included her paralysis. I knew by her comment that mom had accepted my choice to become wheelchair dependant and was OK with it. I looked at dad because he had not said a word during this whole discussion; I asked him how he felt about what I had done. He looked at me then at Jeff, then he looked at mom and said that he was the luckiest man alive because he had fallen in love with mom and she had agreed to have him. He said that he could not have wished for anyone or anything better in his life, and then he looked at me and said that he could understand what I had done and could accept it. He further commented that he would not wish the life of a para on anyone, that life for mom was difficult as there were lots of problems; however, she had a wonderful attitude of making the most out of what life had dealt her and had made him a most happy man. He looked at me and continued, saying that mom was a beautiful woman and that seeing her in the chair only added to her beauty. Then he said that I was also a beautiful woman, which was no surprise to him, as I looked so much like mom and that seeing me in a chair added to my beauty as well.
Then he addressed Jeff and asked him what his feelings were about my being in a wheelchair. Jeff didn’t answer for a moment, then he said to dad that he was a man much like dad in that seeing a beautiful woman was something that he truly appreciated; however, he too felt that the chair added to a woman’s beauty. He confessed that he was in fact an admirer of disabled women, especially those in a wheelchair. He looked at dad and said to him that it was his suspicion that dad was such an admirer as well. Dad smiled and admitted that in fact he was.
I rolled around the table next to mom and gave her a hug, dad got up and came to us and gave us both a hug and I knew that they both accepted me, as I wanted to be.
Mom then said that she was wondering what my future plans if any were to become even more disabled that I currently was. I admitted that what I really wanted was to become a para just as she was, that at this point of course I had only lost the ability to stand and walk and still had full feeling in my lower body. I told her that my desire was to at a minimum loose the feeling and the remaining ability to move my legs, that if in so doing I lost control of bodily function that would be OK but was not a necessity. She asked if I had any plans as to how I would achieve this and I told her that I really didn’t know how to do it without causing an accident that could be much more damaging than what I wanted; thus, I didn’t know what to do. I told her that I had simulated being totally paralyzed by Jeff giving me an anesthetic in my lower spine and that while the paralysis was in effect I was totally convinced that that was how I needed to be. She looked at both of us and said that what we were doing could be very dangerous and could cause permanent paralysis if the needle were to slip and cause damage to my spinal cord. She looked at both of us with a sly grin on her face then said that she wanted us to be very careful if we ever did that again.
The remainder of the weekend went really well, Jeff and my parents got along really well. No further mention was made of my wheelchair usage until just before we were ready to leave when mom asked me to come to her room with her. When we got there, she pointed to a band-new chair that she had just bought, the newest and lightest model on the market. She told me that if I wanted to take it back to school with me I was welcome to do so and that she would get another one for herself. She suggested that I try it and see if I liked it and wanted to take it with me. I rolled over next to it and locked my wheels so that I could safely transfer to it. I transferred to it and tried it out, it was even more comfortable than the one I had been using and I loved it. I hugged mom and thanked her for the chair. Then I asked her if she was really OK with me becoming disabled. She responded that she was, that it was not something that she would wish for me, knowing how hard life is for a disabled person; however, understanding how strong my desire/need was to be disabled that she could accept it and did with no reservations.
As I started to leave her room mom asked me if I was going to take my old chair with me, I told her that with the new one she had given me I didn’t think I would need the old one. She told me to take the old chair, that I would find use for it and that it was important for a para to have a spare chair incase the regular one needed repair she would have a chair to use. This made good sense so I pushed the old chair down the hall ahead of me to the kitchen and asked Jeff to load it into the trunk of the car. I showed off my new chair and told him how comfortable it was.
After Jeff had put the old chair in the trunk, we said our goodbyes and set off back to school. On the way back we talked about the weekend and concluded that everything was OK with my parents so I could now get on with my life and not worry about them.
A few weeks later on my birthday, Jeff proposed to me and gave me the most gorgeous diamond ring I have ever seen. I of course accepted his proposal; I was very much in love with him and knew that he loved me as well. Life was great and I was enjoying it to the fullest. We began to talk about the wedding; I told Jeff that I didn’t want to be married until I was a real para. Even though I could no longer walk, I still considered myself a pretender. I wanted to achieve permanent paralysis of my legs so that I would not feel like a fake any more.
Jeff said that he understood my desire but still was not comfortable that we had a safe way to achieve my desire. I asked him if he remembered mom’s comment about being careful if he ever gave me anesthetic in my spine again, he responded that he did remember and that of course he would be careful. He mentioned that with his medical training he knew exactly what she meant about the damage that could be caused and knew how to do it without damaging my spinal cord. As he said that his eyes lit up and I told him that my mom had been instructing us on the safest way to achieve my desires, that she knew he was fully capable of giving me that anesthetic safely; however, she also knew that he would know just how to damage my spinal cord and cause permanent paralysis. I smiled at him and told him that I was ready for him to paralyze me one last time before our wedding and that I wanted him to do it on Friday night. He looked at me lovingly and said that I had to be absolutely sure that I wanted to do it again, that he really didn’t want me to do it for him and that I needed to do it for myself. I said that I was absolutely sure of what I wanted and would be over to his house on Friday evening so that he could do it. He said that he would be ready for me that evening.
On Friday when I got to Jeff’s house, he was in fact ready. He asked me again if I was sure this was what I wanted to do and I told him that it was. We went into his bedroom and I transferred to the bed and removed my top so that he could get to my back easily. As I laid down on my left side, I had Jeff put my left leg out straight then pull my right foot up behind my knee, I could just barely hold my right leg where he placed it. I wanted to see it flop over when Jeff inserted the needle into my spinal cord and the paralysis was created. Jeff asked if I wanted him to give me the anesthetic first or did I want him to proceed without it. I told him that I wanted to do it without the anesthetic, that if the pain was too great that he could administer some later.
Jeff carefully picked the spot and inserted the needle into my spine. I could feel the needle entering my spine and moving around a little, suddenly I felt an excruciating pain in my back and my right leg dropped down onto the bed, I didn’t feel my leg as it landed on the bed nor could I feel where my right leg was lying across my left. I knew that I was now a real paraplegic and would be for the rest of my life. The pain subsided a bit but my back still hurt pretty badly. When Jeff had finished and removed the needle he carefully rolled me over onto my back, he then reached down and straightened my legs for me. It was heavenly, I didn’t feel a thing he was doing to my legs but I was watching him move them. He did all of the normal tests to see if I had any feeling or movement in my legs. He pricked my legs with the needle but I didn’t feel a thing, then he took a pen and tickled the bottom of my feet also with no response. My feet have always been very ticklish so the fact that he got no response from his tickling them was proof positive that the procedure had been successful. I wanted to know how high the loss of feeling was to Jeff began to rub my legs, then my thighs and hips, I didn’t feel a thing until he reached a line just below my belly button when suddenly I could feel his rubbing and what a feeling it was.
I was ecstatic about the results, I had achieved what I had always wanted and was now a real paraplegic. I also wanted to know if I had any feeling at all in my genital area so Jeff raised my skirt and undid the diaper that I was wearing, I slid my had under the diaper and touched my most private area and I could just barely feel the touch. Jeff said that I would know in time if there were any control of bodily function. I would have to wait and see if the spinal cord healed any as it recovered from the damage that had been done.
Jeff told me that I should take it easy for the next couple of days, staying in bed most of the time and getting up and sitting in my chair for short periods. He said that I should not attempt to transfer by myself until Sunday at which time I could do it but only with him watching to be sure that I could do it safely. Since my back was still hurting pretty badly I decided that I didn’t want to argue the point of me taking it easy. I asked him if we could go out and get something to eat, he quickly nixed that idea and told me that he was going to prepare dinner for us here. He suggested that I relax for a little while and he would come back and put me in my chair in an hour or so; in the mean time he would be in the kitchen cooking dinner. He told me that if I needed anything I should call him and he would come right away.
As I was laying there relaxing and semi-watching the TV, I realized that I needed to go to the toilet. At first I paid no attention to it as I had a diaper on and would simply have Jeff change it before dinner, no need to bother him right now. Then it suddenly dawned on me that I could feel the need to use the restroom, this was new information and I was pretty excited about it. I decided that I would try to hold it until Jeff came to get me for dinner, then I would go to the restroom. About 10 minutes later I realized that I could not hold it any longer and wet my diaper.
Jeff came in just after that to tell me that dinner was about ready and it was time to put me in my chair. I told him that I had felt the need to go to the restroom and had decided to hold it until he came for me but found that I couldn’t hold it more than a few minutes and had wet the diaper. He asked me if I could feel the wet diaper and I realized that I could not. He explained that apparently I had not lost all control of my bodily functions; however, the control appeared to be severely diminished and that I would have to learn just how much control I had over the next few days. He got me a clean diaper from my bag and put it on me, then he picked me up and put me in my chair for dinner.
Over dinner we talked about our wedding plans, I told him that now that I was a real para I was ready to proceed with planning the wedding. We had not told my parents as yet about our engagement so we decided that we would visit them again the following weekend to tell them about it. I decided that I would tell them about the change in my disability while we were there. By Sunday night the pain in my back had diminished to a dull ache so I decided that I was going to be fine, I asked Jeff if I could try and transfer into my chair by myself since I was feeling OK and felt I had the strength to do it. He said I could but that he was going to be right next to me in case I ran into problems. I executed the transfer without a hitch, it was wonderful to reach out and pull my feet off of the bed and onto the footrest and not feel a thing. Later that evening it was time for me to go back to the apartment, Jeff said it was OK as I was feeling fine and was strong enough to handle my chair. I went out to my car, transferred into it and drove home to prepare for the next days classes. Joanne asked me if we I had accomplished what I set out to do over the weekend, to which I responded that in fact we had and everything had worked out perfectly.
After Jeff got off of work on Friday we headed for my parents home, this time we took Jeff’s car for the trip. It doesn’t have hand controls, yet, so I had to resign myself to not being able to drive this weekend. I had driven his car a few times in the past as I had just enough leg strength to be able to operate the gas and brake pedals; that was now a thing of the past.
When we arrive at my parent’s home and went into the house, mom immediately noticed the ring on my finger. She broke into a big smile and said that she figured she knew why we had come home again so soon. I grinned and said that she might know part of the reason for the visit but I didn’t think she knew the whole story. Then she said that she certainly hopped that we had not eloped and denied her the chance to plan my wedding. We both laughed and told her that we had not gone off and gotten married, not that the thought hadn’t occurred to us. We went on to tell them about the engagement on my birthday and both of them ogled over my ring.
Then mom said to me that she had a feeling that there was more to be told than had already been discussed. I smiled at her as I picked up my right foot and put it on her lap, I asked her to take my shoe off and to tickle my foot. Mom and dad were very aware of how ticklish I was so that when she removed my shoe and tickled my foot but got no response they both understood what else there was to tell. So when did this happen mom asked, I told her that it was a week ago today and I was happier than I ever had been in my life. We talked about the level of my paralysis and bodily function. I had determined that I still had some control, and that if I could get to a bathroom within a very few minutes of needing to go that everything was great; however, it was best that I plan on wearing a diaper or a catheter as most times I would not be able to get to a restroom in time.
We discussed the wedding at length and decided that we would have it right after the end of the spring semester, in early June. Mom asked if we would get married here or back at school, I answered that I would prefer to have the wedding ceremony at our local church but had not thought much about where to hold the reception. I told her that I would leave those details up to her. We also decided that she would come up to the apartment in a few weeks and we would begin looking for a wedding dress. When she asked where we planned on living, Jeff told her that he had a nice house not too far from the campus that was more than large enough for us to live in. It was all on one floor and had handicapped accessories throughout.
The remainder of the semester flew by and soon it was time for the wedding. Mom and I had found a beautiful dress with a fairly straight skirt that wouldn’t get caught up in my wheels. Joanne agreed to be my maid of honor along with two other girls who would be bridesmaids. Jeff’s best man was one of his college friends along with another college friend and a friend from work as groomsmen. Our wedding was very simple but beautiful; dad rolled me up the isle and gave me away. The ceremony over, we went to the church hall for the reception. I had invited my therapist to the wedding; I was surprised when she walked up to me at the reception. I introduced her to mom and left them talking as I went around and visited with other guests. It was wonderful to see some of my friends who I had not seen since I graduated from high school. Of course I spent lots of time explaining that I had suffered from a viral infection that settled in my spinal column and had damaged my spinal cord thus paralyzing me from the waist down. I explained that I had been able to deal with this situation comparatively easily because of having mom for a role model.
Jeff and I decided that we would fly to Cancun for our honeymoon, this turned out to be an interesting trip. I had not flown since I have been in a wheelchair fulltime and was not prepared for the difficulty of getting on the plane. My chair is too large to roll onto the plane, so I was taken aboard in one of those funny straight chairs on wheels by an airline representative. This was no fun trip, the chair is rather narrow and the representative had to tilt it back to roll it. I felt very uncomfortable and like a piece of luggage being handled by a skycap. The chair has a seat belt that held me on the seat; however, it didn’t have anything to hold my feet in place so as we rolled down toward the plane he hit a bump and my left foot fell off the footrest and my shoe fell off my foot. I didn’t notice that this had happened until Jeff started laughing behind me, he representative had not even noticed the leg hanging over the side of the chair. I asked Jeff what he was laughing so hard about so he told me to look at my left leg, which I did and realizing why Jeff was laughing I burst out laughing as well. The poor airline representative thought we were both absolute nuts. He stopped and let Jeff put my shoe back on my foot and put my foot back on the footrest as the rep commented that this was one of the older chairs and that the newer ones had straps to hold the feet on the footrest. The airline rep offered to pick me up an put me in my seat but Jeff stopped him and said that he would do the honors, he had seen the concern on my face and knew that I was not too pleased with the situation. We were flying first class and had booked the first row of seats against the bulkhead; this gave more room to get me into the seat. Jeff picked me up and carefully (lovingly?) placed me into my seat. I was much more at ease with him handling me. Other than those times we were either boarding or getting off of the plane, the trip was wonderful. We had a room overlooking the beach with a balcony; this allowed us to take-in the beautiful view anytime we were in our room.
Since my chair won’t roll very well on sand, Jeff carried me to and from the beach and into the water; that was one of the highlights of the trip. We also went on a boat ride and snorkeling trip; I had no problem whatsoever swimming and snorkeling other than getting out of the water. All in all, our trip was truly terrific.
After returning from the honeymoon, I moved into Jeff’s house and was soon back in school. I had another year to go to get my degree in pre-med; I was then to go on to the school of ophthalmology. The year past in a flash and right before the end of the spring semester I was advised that I was accepted to the school of ophthalmology for the fall semester. I was terribly excited to receive the acceptance; this was another dream come true.
I completed my education and internship, and set about setting up my practice. Although I was opening a general practice of ophthalmology, I decided that I would also specialize in dealing with patients with very strong prescriptions such as my own. Many eye doctors, especially optometrists, don’t deal with these patients because they don’t see enough of them to stay abreast of issues relating to severe myopia or hyperopia. Being a severe myope myself, this area of the specialty has a place near and dear to my heart.
I’ll end my story by telling you that within a couple of years of opening my practice, Jeff and I had a baby daughter in our lives. I am amazed at what a great father Jeff has been to Pam and later Rachel when she joined the family just over two years later. Both of the girls have congenital myopia, both starting to wear glasses before their second birthday. Their first prescriptions were very strong and they wear their glasses all the time, just like mommy. I have spare wheelchairs at the house and more often than not the girls are playing in one of the chairs telling me how they are just like mommy; they wear glasses and sit in a wheelchair.
I have to wonder if I have started something with this just like mommy thing?